alive with Christ.

Easter, the celebration of Christ's resurrection & victory over death, has a fresh meaning to me this year. i feel like i should share the story of Jesus bringing ME back to life. i've hesitated on sharing this, because i struggle with being completely vulnerable, but i feel like it should be shared today. i'm no writer, nor do i claim to know everything. i'm simply alive because of the freedom i've received through Jesus' death and resurrection. 

PS. i'm sorry for writing a book...haha. :)

I think I've always been afraid of people. Afraid of what they could do to me? Yes, but I was more afraid of what they wouldn't do to me.

Coming from a big family, it's hard to always be heard. I don't like to talk over other people or interrupt, so I learned to hold all my opinions inside. I had been ignored too many times, and I was tired of that feeling. I wanted desperately to matter. I wanted to be loved but I didn't want to be hurt. My main goal in life was to protect myself. So I distanced myself from people. They couldn't ignore me if I ignored them first.

I held bitterness and resentment in my heart and created a bubble around myself that would keep people out of my heart. If they tried to get in, I'd get mad and snap at them until they learned that I was "untouchable" and stayed away. And that's what I thought I wanted. It was my way of protecting myself. I wanted everyone to stay away from me because I was ugly on the inside (resentment, bitterness, anger, etc.). Then when they did stay away, I justified it, believing that they didn't want to be around me because I was annoying and ugly on the outside. I laugh too loudly, I'm fat, my teeth are crooked, I have zits on my face, etc. If anyone tried to get in my bubble, I'd push them away. I was scared to feel anything other than negative feelings. I think I was scared to love. Love means being vulnerable. Being vulnerable means trusting people and giving them ammunition that they can hurt you with. I was strong, not vulnerable. I didn't like to open myself up or trust anyone. It was a risk that I didn't want to take.

On the outside, I was the "good church girl". I wanted everyone to be happy, so I tried to please everyone. I smiled and was "happy", but only on the surface. Deep down inside (the part of me that no one ever saw), I was ugly. I hated everything. I was bitter. I made plans for my life...with God as an afterthought. I had it all planned out and I was in control.

I was in control until I met a boy. Finally, I had found someone who was real. He didn't try to be something he wasn't, neither did he expect me to be something I wasn't. The day I met him, I knew that he was different from the other guys. It was like instant friendship. He never pressured me, but offered a listening ear and a non-judgmental attitude. And I took him up on the offer. I trusted him. I opened up to him and without realizing it, my heart got involved. I wanted to matter to someone. We started writing to each other, and I assumed he was as interested in me as I was in him.

But the resentment and bitterness I had held deep inside was eating away at my heart. I knew I needed to get away from home. It was my time to discover life, love, and God for myself. I didn't realize it,  but I was searching for healing that I didn't know I needed. Wanting to get away and study photography, I joined YWAM's 6-month PhotogenX DTS (Discipleship Training School).

Right after I arrived at DTS, the boy suddenly broke off all contact with me. I felt like God told me to let the boy go, and I decided that letting go was for the best, but I couldn't hide the fact that it was hurting me. It tore me apart that he wasn't trying to contact me. Did I mean nothing to him? Was my friendship worthless? It only reinforced the belief that I didn't matter to anyone. I tried to focus on what I was learning in DTS, and I could for a while, but then something would remind me of how I had been hurt and I'd just revert to my old self and hold everything inside. Heart shattered, the wounds went deep. I started rebuilding the walls around my heart, trying to protect myself again. I could feel myself shutting down again, allowing myself to go back to where I was (emotionally, and in a way, spiritually) before DTS. I half-heartedly tried to stop it, but I still shut down. In a way, I was depressed. I think I cried more in the 12 weeks of Lecture phase than I have my whole life.

I didn't know what to do...until I went on Outreach.

I spent three months in Greece, living with 10 other girls, trying to put the needs of others before my needs. I saw poverty and homelessness firsthand. I wanted to do something about it, but the only thing I could do is love on the people involved. But among the hopelessness, I saw true generosity. I saw people who watched each other's backs. I saw true friendship.

Every day of outreach was a challenge. Some days I felt like a huge failure. I struggled with street evangelism, walking up to people on the streets (that's my introverted nature). I struggled to pick my broken heart up off the ground and piece it back together. I struggled to fit in with the other girls on Team Greece. And I continued to struggle with voicing my struggles. Everyone else could talk about what they were dealing with, but I found it hard to trust my teammates. 

But in spite the hard, emotional times I was walking through, I felt myself coming alive. I was falling in love with the country of Greece and her people. I felt like there was a reason for living. I realized that there is SO much of the world that I haven't seen. I realized that when I focused on myself and my problems, I felt farther and farther away from Jesus. The more I focused on receiving from Jesus, pouring it out on others, and giving everything I had, the more I saw of Jesus in the world around me. No, I didn't have that mindset every day. I wish I had. I feel like my part in Outreach would have gone much better if I had put my magnifying glass on Jesus (instead of me) every day. Some days were good, some were bad.

During Outreach, it seemed impossible. I couldn't do it. But looking back, I realize that God gave me exactly what I needed to make it through. Even though He didn't give me what I thought I needed, what He gave me was exactly what I needed. I didn't realize that I had been trying to recharge myself while I was running on empty. There was a freedom and a healing to my broken heart when I realized this and started looking to God for fulfillment. 

Today, I still struggle with a lot of things...isn't that normal? But because of God's grace, I am no longer the same Valerie that I was last year. I am dead to the old Valerie who believed the lies from Satan that said I was worthless and ugly. I am alive in Jesus Christ, believing His words spoken over me. He valued me enough to face death on the cross. He says I am worth it. And He has commanded me to follow Him whole-heartedly, never looking back on my old self, except to remind me of what He brought me through. It's a continuing journey. One that was started last April, and one that will continue through the rest of my life.

Today I rejoice because I am alive with Christ, resurrected and doing my best to live as Jesus would. :)

 ^"Could it be any clearer? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable life—no longer at sin’s every beck and call! What we believe is this: If we get included in Christ’s sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. That’s what Jesus did."

Romans 6:6-11 The Message translation