a vulnerable post.

i don't even know where to begin,

except by admitting that i've been overwhelmed lately.

and lonely.

and melancholy.

i have so many feelings and emotions whirling around inside of me right now and i haven't journaled since August 2012, so that might be why i feel overwhelmed...ha.

i absolutely LOVE that so many of my friends are getting engaged and married. i am happy for them, honestly. it makes my heart happy to see how happy they are. and i am happy with where i am right now. i can do whatever i want. i can see the world and not have to worry about having a boyfriend or husband's approval of where i go or who i hang out with. i'm free to do whatever i want! and i love it. i wouldn't trade it for anything right now.

but every time i do something fun or go somewhere new, there's this horrid longing inside of me (so maybe "horrid" isn't the right word). an ache, really, to have someone to share it with. to be living life alongside a man who enjoys the same things. and we could talk about it. challenge each other. love each other. protect each other. i feel like my life is slipping away from me. like i'll never fall in love. 

i mean, will it ever be my turn to be in love?

it seems silly to feel this way, but i see friends who are younger than me getting married and it bothers me.

since a very young age, my plan has been to marry young (like my grandmother and great-grandmother who married at the ages of 18 and 19), and raise a family. i said i was going to get married when i was 18, because that's what Grandma did!

but i guess God's plan for my life is a bit different.

18 has come and gone, and here i am. single. lonely. 19.

everyone says "don't worry, you're only 19. i got married at 20, you have time." but it turns out that they got married at 20 but they had been dating their spouse since 9th grade, were engaged at 19, got married, and had, like, 3 kids by the time they were 26.

and here i am. single. lonely. 19. never had a boyfriend. never even had a guy ask me out!

but then i'm like, "well, stop it, Valerie. don't compare your story to everyone else's stories, because it's completely different." but i somehow still find myself making an 11:11 wish and praying for a man to come into my life.

and then i feel selfish because i have friends who are much older than me, still single, and wishing they had a husband or wife as well. they deserve to have someone love them. and i know they want it just as much as i do.

and i know that i sound ridiculous. i feel like a little kid whining because someone else has something and i want it.

but i KNOW that there's someone out there for me. and the fact that i have no idea who he is or when he will come into my life is driving me crazy because i've been waiting for him my whole life. because i refuse to settle. 

but the hardest part is the teasing. parents, uncles, cousins...they all tease because i have no boyfriend. they want to know when i'll be getting married. making jokes about how i'll still be single when i'm 26 (what a random age). it's a constant reminder of my singleness. my loneliness. and it hurts, dang it! i'm usually not a super sensitive person (okay, so i am pretty sensitive), but really?!

i'm not wishing my single years away. i fully intend to enjoy them and live it up. travel. see and photograph the world. follow God's will. but i wish i had someone to share it with. i mean, it's normal for a girl to want someone to love her, take care of her, protect her, and just be there for her, right?

so here i am, going on missions trips. fending for myself. protecting myself by building up walls around my heart and holding everything inside because i don't want to talk about what hurts me. i want one person i can trust. i want one person who will want to get to know me. i want one person who will take one look at my face and know something's wrong. i want someone who won't try to understand everything, but who will be understanding. 

i just want someone to just BE with.

a real, tangible man who will live life with me. together. an adventure.

i don't care about fancy dinners or movies or dates.

i don't care about anything really. 

i just want someone to just be with.

but he's not here yet...

...and patience isn't exactly a thing i've mastered.

but maybe i'm looking at this all wrong. i am trying to be content, but dang it, it's hard!

it's a daily struggle.

Lord, give me strength and grace for this road. 

dear future husband, i wish you were here. like, yesterday.