a vulnerable post.

i don't even know where to begin,

except by admitting that i've been overwhelmed lately.

and lonely.

and melancholy.

i have so many feelings and emotions whirling around inside of me right now and i haven't journaled since August 2012, so that might be why i feel overwhelmed...ha.

i absolutely LOVE that so many of my friends are getting engaged and married. i am happy for them, honestly. it makes my heart happy to see how happy they are. and i am happy with where i am right now. i can do whatever i want. i can see the world and not have to worry about having a boyfriend or husband's approval of where i go or who i hang out with. i'm free to do whatever i want! and i love it. i wouldn't trade it for anything right now.

but every time i do something fun or go somewhere new, there's this horrid longing inside of me (so maybe "horrid" isn't the right word). an ache, really, to have someone to share it with. to be living life alongside a man who enjoys the same things. and we could talk about it. challenge each other. love each other. protect each other. i feel like my life is slipping away from me. like i'll never fall in love. 

i mean, will it ever be my turn to be in love?

it seems silly to feel this way, but i see friends who are younger than me getting married and it bothers me.

since a very young age, my plan has been to marry young (like my grandmother and great-grandmother who married at the ages of 18 and 19), and raise a family. i said i was going to get married when i was 18, because that's what Grandma did!

but i guess God's plan for my life is a bit different.

18 has come and gone, and here i am. single. lonely. 19.

everyone says "don't worry, you're only 19. i got married at 20, you have time." but it turns out that they got married at 20 but they had been dating their spouse since 9th grade, were engaged at 19, got married, and had, like, 3 kids by the time they were 26.

and here i am. single. lonely. 19. never had a boyfriend. never even had a guy ask me out!

but then i'm like, "well, stop it, Valerie. don't compare your story to everyone else's stories, because it's completely different." but i somehow still find myself making an 11:11 wish and praying for a man to come into my life.

and then i feel selfish because i have friends who are much older than me, still single, and wishing they had a husband or wife as well. they deserve to have someone love them. and i know they want it just as much as i do.

and i know that i sound ridiculous. i feel like a little kid whining because someone else has something and i want it.

but i KNOW that there's someone out there for me. and the fact that i have no idea who he is or when he will come into my life is driving me crazy because i've been waiting for him my whole life. because i refuse to settle. 

but the hardest part is the teasing. parents, uncles, cousins...they all tease because i have no boyfriend. they want to know when i'll be getting married. making jokes about how i'll still be single when i'm 26 (what a random age). it's a constant reminder of my singleness. my loneliness. and it hurts, dang it! i'm usually not a super sensitive person (okay, so i am pretty sensitive), but really?!

i'm not wishing my single years away. i fully intend to enjoy them and live it up. travel. see and photograph the world. follow God's will. but i wish i had someone to share it with. i mean, it's normal for a girl to want someone to love her, take care of her, protect her, and just be there for her, right?

so here i am, going on missions trips. fending for myself. protecting myself by building up walls around my heart and holding everything inside because i don't want to talk about what hurts me. i want one person i can trust. i want one person who will want to get to know me. i want one person who will take one look at my face and know something's wrong. i want someone who won't try to understand everything, but who will be understanding. 

i just want someone to just BE with.

a real, tangible man who will live life with me. together. an adventure.

i don't care about fancy dinners or movies or dates.

i don't care about anything really. 

i just want someone to just be with.

but he's not here yet...

...and patience isn't exactly a thing i've mastered.

but maybe i'm looking at this all wrong. i am trying to be content, but dang it, it's hard!

it's a daily struggle.

Lord, give me strength and grace for this road. 

dear future husband, i wish you were here. like, yesterday.

on asking and obeying.

He told them, "the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into His harvest field."
Luke 10:2 (NIV)



so once a month i volunteer in my church's JR church (we call it Faith Kids Worship). the second Sunday of the month is my turn to be "crowd control/small group leader/potty break leader" in FKW. for the past few weeks, the lessons have been on serving/leading, and the last time i helped in FKW, one of the key verses stood out to me and i've been thinking about it for a while.

 Luke 10:2.

the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.
ask the Lord of the harvest.
to send out workers into His field.

i started to think about the times in DTS (the 6-month Discipleship Training School i did with YWAM) when the leaders would tell us to ASK God (or the Holy Spirit...depending on who was speaking :D) what He would have us do or give. and then ACT in obedience on it.


ask the Lord of the harvest. 

to ask is to say something in order to obtain an answer or some information.

ask the Lord of the harvest.
to send out workers into the field.

this verse isn't just about praying and asking God to send people into the missions field. praying for people to go into missions is all well and good, but i feel like there's more to this verse and also to our lives as followers of Christ.

there were instances during my 6 months in DTS when the YWAM leaders would say, "ask God how much He would have you give for this awesome fundraiser" (or something along those lines), and i purposefully wouldn't ask God.

i didn't ask because i knew if i asked, i would get an answer. and if i got an answer, i knew i needed to obey. so if i didn't obtain an answer, i could pretend that God didn't want me to give. i cringe when i think back to how selfish i was being. how many times did i miss out on God's blessings for being obedient? every time i refused to ask.

when we ask for something, 90% of the time we have no idea what the other person's response will be. and i believe that asking the Lord of the harvest is terrifying for most Christians. why?

because we don't know what He will ask of us.

if followers of Christ do not ask the Lord of the harvest, they won't receive an answer from Him.

"phewwwww. i mean, i didn't receive an answer from the Lord, so i'm off the hook, right? i don't have to go out of my comfort-zone. someone else will step up to the plate and do it. God's not calling me to Africa or Mexico. i can serve Him here at home..."

i heard a leader once say, "delayed obedience is disobedience". and i also think that refusing to ask is also a form of disobedience as well. because we know in our hearts that to be followers of Jesus Christ is to be obedient to what God asks of us, as well as to ask Him how (and who) we can serve.

do you get what i'm saying?

i think that followers of Christ often don't ASK God because,
a) God's answer might require THEM to do something (or give up something...or move somewhere far away),
or b) they might not like what God has to say.

i could tell you about several times when i have stood before God, worshipping, while being completely shut off from Him because i didn't want to ask or receive an answer. i am so guilty! and i won't tell you that because i've repented now, i will never be that selfish again...because that would be a lie. i am very capable of being that selfish Valerie again. in fact, it's something i struggle with daily. i'm preaching to myself here, too!

but what it all boils down to is this:

followers of Christ (myself included)! stop and think about what Jesus was willing to give for you. He gave His life so you could live. don't you think it'd be okay to ask Him what He would have us do, listen to His answer, and act obediently (and joyfully!) in response? after all, the best place to be is in the center of His will.

think about it. :)


PS. it may sound like i'm saying, "you're not a Christian if you don't ask God of the harvest", but that's not the case. if you are a follower of Christ, you ARE NOT going to lose your salvation if you don't ask God what He would have you do, or if you don't sell your things and go be a missionary. that's not what i'm saying. but what i AM saying is that God loves communicating with His children and God blesses obedience. the most important thing in any relationship is communication! talk to God, seriously, and listen to His reply! i think you might enjoy what He has to say. :)

alive with Christ.

Easter, the celebration of Christ's resurrection & victory over death, has a fresh meaning to me this year. i feel like i should share the story of Jesus bringing ME back to life. i've hesitated on sharing this, because i struggle with being completely vulnerable, but i feel like it should be shared today. i'm no writer, nor do i claim to know everything. i'm simply alive because of the freedom i've received through Jesus' death and resurrection. 

PS. i'm sorry for writing a book...haha. :)

I think I've always been afraid of people. Afraid of what they could do to me? Yes, but I was more afraid of what they wouldn't do to me.

Coming from a big family, it's hard to always be heard. I don't like to talk over other people or interrupt, so I learned to hold all my opinions inside. I had been ignored too many times, and I was tired of that feeling. I wanted desperately to matter. I wanted to be loved but I didn't want to be hurt. My main goal in life was to protect myself. So I distanced myself from people. They couldn't ignore me if I ignored them first.

I held bitterness and resentment in my heart and created a bubble around myself that would keep people out of my heart. If they tried to get in, I'd get mad and snap at them until they learned that I was "untouchable" and stayed away. And that's what I thought I wanted. It was my way of protecting myself. I wanted everyone to stay away from me because I was ugly on the inside (resentment, bitterness, anger, etc.). Then when they did stay away, I justified it, believing that they didn't want to be around me because I was annoying and ugly on the outside. I laugh too loudly, I'm fat, my teeth are crooked, I have zits on my face, etc. If anyone tried to get in my bubble, I'd push them away. I was scared to feel anything other than negative feelings. I think I was scared to love. Love means being vulnerable. Being vulnerable means trusting people and giving them ammunition that they can hurt you with. I was strong, not vulnerable. I didn't like to open myself up or trust anyone. It was a risk that I didn't want to take.

On the outside, I was the "good church girl". I wanted everyone to be happy, so I tried to please everyone. I smiled and was "happy", but only on the surface. Deep down inside (the part of me that no one ever saw), I was ugly. I hated everything. I was bitter. I made plans for my life...with God as an afterthought. I had it all planned out and I was in control.

I was in control until I met a boy. Finally, I had found someone who was real. He didn't try to be something he wasn't, neither did he expect me to be something I wasn't. The day I met him, I knew that he was different from the other guys. It was like instant friendship. He never pressured me, but offered a listening ear and a non-judgmental attitude. And I took him up on the offer. I trusted him. I opened up to him and without realizing it, my heart got involved. I wanted to matter to someone. We started writing to each other, and I assumed he was as interested in me as I was in him.

But the resentment and bitterness I had held deep inside was eating away at my heart. I knew I needed to get away from home. It was my time to discover life, love, and God for myself. I didn't realize it,  but I was searching for healing that I didn't know I needed. Wanting to get away and study photography, I joined YWAM's 6-month PhotogenX DTS (Discipleship Training School).

Right after I arrived at DTS, the boy suddenly broke off all contact with me. I felt like God told me to let the boy go, and I decided that letting go was for the best, but I couldn't hide the fact that it was hurting me. It tore me apart that he wasn't trying to contact me. Did I mean nothing to him? Was my friendship worthless? It only reinforced the belief that I didn't matter to anyone. I tried to focus on what I was learning in DTS, and I could for a while, but then something would remind me of how I had been hurt and I'd just revert to my old self and hold everything inside. Heart shattered, the wounds went deep. I started rebuilding the walls around my heart, trying to protect myself again. I could feel myself shutting down again, allowing myself to go back to where I was (emotionally, and in a way, spiritually) before DTS. I half-heartedly tried to stop it, but I still shut down. In a way, I was depressed. I think I cried more in the 12 weeks of Lecture phase than I have my whole life.

I didn't know what to do...until I went on Outreach.

I spent three months in Greece, living with 10 other girls, trying to put the needs of others before my needs. I saw poverty and homelessness firsthand. I wanted to do something about it, but the only thing I could do is love on the people involved. But among the hopelessness, I saw true generosity. I saw people who watched each other's backs. I saw true friendship.

Every day of outreach was a challenge. Some days I felt like a huge failure. I struggled with street evangelism, walking up to people on the streets (that's my introverted nature). I struggled to pick my broken heart up off the ground and piece it back together. I struggled to fit in with the other girls on Team Greece. And I continued to struggle with voicing my struggles. Everyone else could talk about what they were dealing with, but I found it hard to trust my teammates. 

But in spite the hard, emotional times I was walking through, I felt myself coming alive. I was falling in love with the country of Greece and her people. I felt like there was a reason for living. I realized that there is SO much of the world that I haven't seen. I realized that when I focused on myself and my problems, I felt farther and farther away from Jesus. The more I focused on receiving from Jesus, pouring it out on others, and giving everything I had, the more I saw of Jesus in the world around me. No, I didn't have that mindset every day. I wish I had. I feel like my part in Outreach would have gone much better if I had put my magnifying glass on Jesus (instead of me) every day. Some days were good, some were bad.

During Outreach, it seemed impossible. I couldn't do it. But looking back, I realize that God gave me exactly what I needed to make it through. Even though He didn't give me what I thought I needed, what He gave me was exactly what I needed. I didn't realize that I had been trying to recharge myself while I was running on empty. There was a freedom and a healing to my broken heart when I realized this and started looking to God for fulfillment. 

Today, I still struggle with a lot of things...isn't that normal? But because of God's grace, I am no longer the same Valerie that I was last year. I am dead to the old Valerie who believed the lies from Satan that said I was worthless and ugly. I am alive in Jesus Christ, believing His words spoken over me. He valued me enough to face death on the cross. He says I am worth it. And He has commanded me to follow Him whole-heartedly, never looking back on my old self, except to remind me of what He brought me through. It's a continuing journey. One that was started last April, and one that will continue through the rest of my life.

Today I rejoice because I am alive with Christ, resurrected and doing my best to live as Jesus would. :)

 ^"Could it be any clearer? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable life—no longer at sin’s every beck and call! What we believe is this: If we get included in Christ’s sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. That’s what Jesus did."

Romans 6:6-11 The Message translation

...and mexico.

hello hello!

as of last Sunday, it is official!
i will be traveling as staff with my church's youth group to Mexico for a week in June.

we will be working with Amor Ministries in Baja, Mexico, to build a house for a family. i'm really excited about the opportunity to travel back to Mexico (my first missions trip was to Mexico in 2009), and can't wait to travel internationally again!!!

i think i should start a series called "where in the world is Valerie???" haha. :P

i don't know exactly how much money i need for this trip, but i think it'll be close to $700.00 (i have $340 leftover from my YWAM fundraising efforts last year...which, because it was sent to my church, and because of the laws and requirements my church has to follow, it can only be used if i go on a missions trip with my church or a non-profit organization...and my Uganda trip isn't either of those.)

SO.

an update on finances:
i am still in need of about $382.00 for Uganda (i need to have the money by August 1st). i have been overwhelmed watching God provide the funds for this trip. :)

and now i need about $700.00 for Mexico (i need to have the money in by June 12th).

if you feel led to donate towards either missions trip, the easiest way is probably PayPal (there's a button on the "meet Valerie" page...just click on it and it'll take you to PayPal). :)

if you can't support me financially, prayers are needed too! :)

here's a HUGE thank you to everyone who has financially supported me so far! you are all a big blessing to me. <3

His plan > my plan

God's plan is greater than my plan.

He has my best interest in mind.

He knows me better than i know myself.

His plan has perfect timing.

He gives me dreams and then helps those dreams come true.

He gives me hope. and a future.

the best hope. the hope that gives life.

the greatest future. a future that is full of His faithfulness and promises.

it's official!

as of Friday (march 8th, 2013), i had the money to buy my plane ticket to Uganda (THANK YOU to the Michael family!). God is so faithful to me.

so we bought our plane tickets on Saturday. :)

so i am OFFICIALLY going to Uganda in August. woohoo!!!

i still need about $900 (to cover my housing/food/transportation/etc while i'm in Uganda), but i have until our departure day (August 3rd) to raise that amount. :)

thank you so much for your prayer and financial support! <3
~Valerie

145 days until Uganda!

Uganda.

hey hey!

so just a quick update for y'all,

i currently have $861.00 towards my missions trip to Uganda in July, which means that i am in need of approximately $839.00 more to buy my plane ticket by the middle/end of March. it can totally happen! God has been SO faithful in providing for me. :)

thank you to the M family and Ms Kathy F. for their donations in the past week! y'all are the best. <3


so.
~156 days until UGANDA

~$1,839.00 still needed